Absolutely No Machete Juggling

Recently I went on a road trip to California to visit some people, see some sights, and go to some theme parks. The trip was good, but that's not what this post was about. On the way back, I decided to spend the night in Las Vegas, which was the first time I was ever in Vegas.

Essentially, Las Vegas is a hellhole. I hated nearly everything about the city. Yeah the lights were nice and the buildings were large, but quite frankly if you're not into gambling (I'm not) there's not a helluva lot there to do. I probably should have gotten tickets to a show, but since I didn't, I basically just walked around on the strip for a while, walked into an occasional casino, and stuffed my face with food at a buffet.

The first thing I hated about Vegas was just how unfriendly it is toward newcomers. In every other city I've visited, I was able to ask complete strangers for directions, restaurant suggestions, and anything else I may need in the city. 99% of the time, people take pride in their hometown and actually help me out. I realize this may not be the stereotype for a city, but it's been true everywhere else I've been. In Vegas, however, the natives seem to fucking HATE me, and seem bent on taking advantage of me.

People standing on the streets trying to trick me into buying some kind of package deal with a free dinner, people smacking little stacks of paper as I walk by to entice me toward them, and cab drivers that drove me all around just to rack up the meter. After 2 cab rides where I was clearly being jerked around, I actually figured out on my map the best way to go, and told the third cab driver the complete list of directions to get where I wanted. I specifically wanted to avoid the freeway, but despite my directions she took me onto the freeway anyway. By the time I saw that she was getting onto the freeway, it was too late.

The most ridiculous part of my trip to Vegas, occurred while "gambling". Now, I think that gambling is for complete idiots. Every so often I'd pop a dollar into a nickel slot machine to kill time (I probably spent maybe 5 total dollars like this), and every time I hopped up, someone would grab the machine, seeing I hadn't won and assuming the machine was "due". Without fail, someone would do it every time. Vegas seemed to have a limitless supply of people who are bad at math.

Most of the table games had $25 bet minimums. I had no interest in burning $25 gambling, so those were right out of the question. The only legitimate thing to do in Vegas, play poker against actual humans instead of the house, was also a non-option because of tournament start times, high buy-ins, and the fact that I suck at poker. However, there was one table game that had a $10 minimum: roulette.

Now, I had no interest in even handing over my $10 to the casino, but I wanted to experience playing a table game, since I had never done so before in my life. I wanted to participate, but I didn't want to actually lose any money. Eventually my girl and I realized I didn't particularly care about MAKING money either, which gave us an idea.

We walked up to a roulette table and got $20 in chips. She put $10 on black, and I put $10 on red. Unless 0 or 00 came up (a 1 in 20 chance), we were safe. This gave us far better than 50/50 odds, but with no hope of making any money. Since the goal was just to play, this was fine with us. We played a round on red/black, a round on even/odd, and a round on 1-18/19-36. Then we'd repeat the cycle, enjoying the fact that we were participating at all.

The dealer clearly knew what was going on, and shook his head but smiled. We were obvious newcomers, and he saw the point in what we were doing, I think. One of the women at the table, however, most certainly did not.

Woman:You know that your bet is a wash right?
Me: Yeah, I know.
Woman: (looking at me like I'm the stupidest human being she's ever met) No I mean, no matter what you can't win.
Me: Right, we just wanted to play without losing any money.
Woman: (long pause, still looking at me like my face is melting) But... you... can't... win.
Me: Yeah. I get it. Thanks.

We played a few more rounds, but this woman made some snide remark after every spin of the roulette wheel (nearly all of which ended with her losing at least $10), and I got tired of it and cashed out. Cashed out, mind you, and got back all $20 I had brought to the table.

I would imagine it's tough to think of many places in the world where someone losing money at an alarming rate can look at someone who is keeping all of his money like HE is the moron, and yet Vegas is such a place. That's why Vegas sucks.